Log 18

I think it’s eighteen, right?

Okay so, I’ve obtained a sexy German bastard whom I rescued previously, and on top of that I even got a pay raise. So life is pretty good. One of our military vehicles was stolen from me however and when it turned up it was in the junkyard and that sack of human waste at the gate won’t let me in to get it without a rather exorbatant fee, however I built a new vehicle to replace it. It’s somewhat of a rush job though, so I worry about the quality.

I think I should finish this weapon I’m building.

-Lt. Nukem, signing off

Log 17

If you guys wonder why it takes me so long to post on this thing it’s because I’ve gotten kind of bored with it. I’m sorry.

Even Welldrone’s dronings are getting boring and even though I could probably break him down if I wanted, I find myself lacking in motivation other than a brief moment of victory.

I don’t know. What do you guys think?

-Lt Nukem, signing off

Log 16

Hey, is it just me, or does it seem Mr. Welldrone’s blog shit itself and died?

I’d like to take a little bit of credit for that if you don’t mind. But you all did a great job too, so I won’t have it all. <3

Log 15

I apologize, my readers, for not updating in so long. I was in solitary again for setting the recruits on fire.

For the record, it was fucking awesome.

Now that I’m out again I’ve decided to build a new warhead that operates on the failed dreams of America’s lower middle-class. It will be made of hobos. Please watch this space for updates on that.

-Lt. Nukem, signing ON.

Log 14

I’ve been way too fucking busy lately. I mean, seems like everything always happens at once. I have three different deadlines, there was another near-meltdown, the military conference is coming up and I have to give a presentation, I had to cover for our dead chemist…

Plus I had like a whole week where I blacked out. Seems like I did some weird shit that I don’t remember, but then again that’s pretty typical for me. Last thing I remember before that was being chained to an easel in a room full of blacklights with some creepy guy.

I apparently beat the shit out of one of my old minions with a metal bat covered in screws, so clearly I’m pretty badass when I don’t remember shit for weeks.

Anyway, breif update, sorry kids.

Lt. Nukem, signing off.

Log 13

Hey kids, it’s me again. I apologize for not updating in so long, I’ve been dreadfully busy. I was playing AWOL again, but just like always, they found me, (and beat me). A testament to my manliness, the level of beatings I take on a regular basis. I fear no mortal hand, for I am Nukey!

Ahem, anyway. So I’ve been working on another project for Tempest, which means of course, I cannot share its details with you, other than it’s amazing because I made it and I’m awesome.

I have so many new friends on here, it brings warmth to my Devil-infested soul. By the way, Satan says hi. He thinks you guys are good to keep me company. Nukey gets lonely.

Those of you who are men, I extend a saucy wink in your direction. Those of you who are women, girlfriend, you look great in those shoes. If I’ve previously gotten your genders wrong, take it as a compliment, whichever direction it goes in.

Have a lovely day. (I’m in a good mood, can you tell?)

-Lt. Nukem, signing off

Log 12

So I have returned, and the mission was a complete and total success. The weather was fine, we didn’t get lost, everything went without a hitch really. I’m quite pleased.

I won’t bother to explain much about the purpose, as that is classified information. I guess really I don’t have much to say other than that.

Well. I am going back to working on my chainsaw gun. Might put two chainsaw-launching barrels instead of just one. Double the violence, double the fun?

Mr. Sleep, you’re a strange little man. I do welcome you to stick around, but if you’re going to comment, I’d appreciate it if you actually made some sort of discernable point, because I’m really kind of sick of all the lofty cryptic riddles people seem to speak in on that side of the abyss.

Seeker, keep keepin’ it real, dawg.

Peace out.

-Lt. Nukem, signing off

Log 11

Well it appears I’ll have to take a little business trip out into the desert, so it’s time to pack up my gas mask and my big spiky boots. More for show than anything, really.

It’s a rescue mission, which is not something I typically participate in, but it’s for a very good cause (for me) therefore I think I can find it in my heart to care for once.

This isn’t going to be much of a post, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone.

If I’m not back in a week, however…

Just wait longer?

-Lt. Nukem, signing off.

Log 10

So here I am for another update, seeing as I appear to have a few readers again.

On that note, as a brief introduction I’d like to thank you guys for supporting me. Not many people do, so it’s a nice change. Not to mention ya’ll are awesome.

But anyway, on a philosophical note, I was visiting my crazy German friend the other day, and when I walked into his room he was hooked up to a heart monitor, and when I asked him why, he said it was because he had nothing else to power it with. “Without these fine instruments, you could not see a person’s life – only feel it when you touch their jugular,” he told me. And then I had to jump his bones because it made me kind of horny to listen to that sort of talk. I thought I’d share that with you because it also made me feel a little surreal.

I’ve felt that way a lot lately. I do believe I’m spiraling down into a strangely comforting abyss.

My dark lord made me another toy to play with. He used my crow, Winter, whom I killed many years ago and have to keep underneath my bed so that I can remind him he’s dead when he lands on my bedpost at night and screams at me.

Now that he’s a human like thing, he hasn’t been screaming though. We’ve been talking a lot. I’m pleased about that.

The other update I have is that apparently the society of heroes is starting to pay attention to me and consider me a threatening villain. I didn’t even know there WAS a society of heroes until recently.

Things seem like they’re about to get terribly interesting.

Lt. Nukem, signing off.

Log 09

At least, I think it’s nine.

I’ve started to slowly gather my wits again, and resumed whatever business I had previously been plotting. Satan and I had some nice long discussions about purpose, but I can’t really recall anything important from them. His shadow at the foot of my bed was very comforting however.

I did find a notebook in which I had scribbled down a plan that is, quite frankly, ingenious. My lawyer shall definitely be helping me with this one, and I’m certain it will produce visible results. Perhaps not quickly, but quickly enough.

I would love to tell you all the nature of this plan, but unfortunately that would somewhat ruin the effectiveness of it. I’ll just say that it will gradually infect the masses and it will be unstoppable. This is the part where I cackle madly, but you can’t see me so I just have to describe it to you. Trust me, it is quite an epic laugh.

As for the chainsaw gun I’ve been working on, so far my prototype is reckless, impractical, and extremely difficult to control.

Perfect.

-Lt. Nukem, signing off.