5 reasons JRPGS SUCK

#5 Main character is always a pussy

Half the time he looks like a woman, and when it IS a woman it’s always a lesbian

I mean, I get the feeling that these developer guys are trying too hard to prove they AREN’T total womanizers by making ladies ninja badasses all the time, but everyone knows if it was a realistic woman she wouldn’t be able to get through the events of the game without constantly stopping to have her period and weep and birth children and drive badly anyway, so I guess they HAVE to make them act more manly.

However, the girlyboys is just an insult. Do the people of Asianania just have some alternative definition to ‘men’ that I was not aware of?

#4 Plot is always incomprehensible

Generally, it is ‘the world is in danger SAVE IT’ and stuff. But they realize this has been done a few times, so they try to mix it up with extra plot twists, usually involving shiny rock powers and semi-existential bullshit. If it’s one of those ‘dark edgy’ RPGS, a circus will be involved at some point. Seriously.

PS, all ringleader characters have the same outfit. Ridiculous suit, ridiculous moustache, ridiculous hat. Also they’re always fat.
Eventually towards the end everyone goes batshit crazy with the results of all the plot twists that are only unpredictable because they have nothing to do with anything and quite clearly were pulled out of someone’s ass.

Conversely, they can also be so obvious that they’re visable from space.

#3 Annoying Stock Characters.

ROLE CALL!

Femmedude: Motivated by angst and/or guilt. Wears a lot of belts. Often either the antagonist or the protagonist.

Badass Chick: Motivated by years of male oppression! Wears revealing clothes despite how that may cause her to be taken LESS seriously.

Comic relief: Wether it’s a girl or a guy, it is seemingly the only sane character, but eventually they’ll reveal that they have a deep dark secret too.

Gung-Ho-Guy: Motivated by EJACULATING ENTIRE MACHINE GUNS.

Love-Addict: Sometimes overlaps with other roles, usually the main character. Motivated by LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP AND PEACE because that always stops evil. (Protip: It won’t stop ME.)

Furry: No personality. It’s just a furry.

#2 Fashion disasters

Now okay, unless you all can’t tell yet, I’m on the other side of the rainbow, if you know what I mean. Maybe that’s why something like fashion annoys me. Now, I know I don’t exactly match or use discretion exactly myself, but even I know that the clothes JRPG characters wear are just unexcusable. Sometimes, I think they’re honestly just trying to make the ugliest, most ridiculous outfits they can possibly think of.

And finally, the number 1 reason why JRPGs suck so fucking bad:

#1 Square Enix

There you have it.

IF YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW WHO DARES INSULT YOUR PRECIOUS FINAL FANTASY GAMES

THE WEBCOMIC WILL INFORM YOU

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10 Comments

  1. […] ANOTHER NUKEY BLOG POST TODAY. […]

  2. I’m asian but I don’t like JRPGs. Diablo and Elder Scrolls beat any JRPG.

    You forgot to put one more reason:

    Most monsters you battle in JRPGs are cute plushie looking, compared to the monsters in WRPG like Orcs, Dragons, Trolls, etc.

    • I don’t know what the hell JRPGs you been playing but every shitty Final Fantasy I’ve ever played involves cheap knock-offs of mythological creatures that are so serious business looking they look like they’re made out of hate and teeth all stitched together in some muddy, gaudy, poorly-coordinated ‘scale’ textures…

  3. Hello.

    • Hey mister Sleep! How are the dark forces hanging?

      • DECK04: ARGO’S KEEL.

      • Good to hear. :3

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  5. We need a retro reboot throwback jrpg
    1. Go back to humble origins of d&d mediaevil/retro technology, fantasy/fantasy based sci-fi themed
    2. Keep the battle stategy turn based thing going with attack, magic system (learned, purchased, or materia based etc). Wrpgs can do the action thing. Intensify the difficulty of the battles thereby making good use of character turn based strategy
    3. Character unique abilities/role related strengths/weaknesses
    4. Linear, non confusing, evolving story, follow theme (see 1.)
    5. Interesting mature characters with unique roles (see 1again), nothing wrong with dark knights, dragoons, wizards, ninjas dressed in appropriate battle gear. Something is wrong with emo tweens with giants swords, huge eyes, cutesy pets, pedophile bait with mini skirts and revealing panties. Which brings me to my next point.
    6. Tone down the whole anime thing, u r literally alienating ur genre from the rest of the world outside of japasia. Old school nes snes ff (ie4/6) real character depictions were more art than anime
    7. Allow an open world between plot locations and battles. With a few surprises that add a sense of exploration. Does not need to be endless like wrpgs. I kinda like moving through game with a sense of where im going and not walking to just get lost like some wrpgs.
    8. Fewer, not so lengthy cut scenes you can skip and good voice acting. No pop up pictures when in dialogue


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